“I’m sure she’s just busy. Or playing hard to get. I get that from chicks a ton.”
“We are encouraged by recent efforts enacted by the Interfraternity Council (IFC). We feel this will curb sexual assault on campus, and effectively push it off campus,” remarked Patricia Telles-Irvin.
“Sexual assault allegations in an on-campus residential hall are best handled with strongly worded campus-wide emails and whatever an ‘awareness workshop’ is.”
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.