Colts Win Super Bowl, Assumes Paper that Prints Before Sunday
Peyton Manning undoubtedly threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns Sundays as the Colts most definitely defeated the Saints, we think.
NU Emergency Notifications Drunk-Texts NU Student Body
February 06, 2010
EVANSTON – WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.” Rivers, like many other NU students, has been [...]
Posted in LocalComments (0)
Blue Team and Gold Team Play Football Game, Reports Area Girlfriend
February 06, 2010
EVANSTON – A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan. “At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained [...]
Posted in Issue 27, Sports, Year 2Comments (0)
Area Man Grows Weed in Farmville, Sells it to Mafia Wars
February 06, 2010
FARMVILLE, INTERNET – Local farmer Buck Jansen was involved in a drug bust Thursday after selling marijuana to local mobster Joe Zamboni, authorities said. Jansen, a highly respected farmer in the area, is best known for his completion of Level Two Daffodil Mastery after just one day of farming. Locals are shocked at this sudden turn [...]
Posted in EntertainmentComments (1)
Heroic Student Assassinates CAESAR
February 06, 2010
EVANSTON — Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night. “Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I [...]
Posted in Issue 25, Local, Year 2Comments (0)
Anchorman Quotation Reaches Millionth Out-of-Context Use
February 01, 2010
EVANSTON – As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left [...]
Posted in Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2Comments (0)
Freezing Cold Weather Returns; Environmentalists Rejoice
February 01, 2010
EVANSTON – Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather. “We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were [...]
Posted in Issue 26, Local, Sci/Tech, Year 2Comments (0)
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