Christian Bale Contemplating Suicide So He Can Get an Oscar, Too

HOLLYWOOD—Renowned actor Christian Bale, star of the two most recent Batman films, including 2008’s mega-hit The Dark Knight, released a press statement today in which he explained his will to die so that he can win an Academy Award for Best Actor. “I’ll make it look like an accident,” Bale said in his statement, “you know, jump out a window and make it look like I fell or something. That should get the Academy’s attention.”

Bale’s co-star in The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger, died of a tragic overdose several months before the release of the film, and was posthumously awarded the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his role as the Joker.

“It was sad,” said Bale, “but come on. Batman ruled that movie. Who can forget lines like ‘Then you’ll LOVE me’ or ‘You all right?’ Classics!” Bale’s press conference was interrupted by a cameraman walking across the room. Bale screamed, “HEY! GET OFF THE @$#&ING SET!”

“I mean seriously,” a hoarse Bale continued after an eight minute temper tantrum directed at the cameraman, “Hasn’t anyone in the Academy seen American Psycho? My character was like the Joker, but cooler. But I guess I have to ‘die’ to get any recognition at all. Well if that’s what it takes, then I’m willing to take that step. I can do anything, I’m batman, I’m the lead actor.”

Bale said that he has other ideas of ways to get an Oscar. “If I decide not to kill myself,” Bale commented, “I’ll probably ask one of my director friends to cast me in a biopic about a gay, mentally handicapped minority who experiences strife. I’m sure the academy would love that one.”

Bale was later arrested for assault on a cameraman. Neither Bale nor the cameraman offered comment.

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