Vending Machines Stocked In Preparation of 4/20

EVANSTON—With April 20th looming, as every year, just on the heels of April 19, vending machines across the country are being restocked and fortified against the impending onslaught of stoners who “could really go for some Ho-Hos right now.” In dorm buildings and break rooms everywhere, vending machine companies are seeking to prepare themselves for the sudden demand for their services that occurs every year on Hitler’s birthday, knowing full well that insufficient preparation could lead to disaster.

It is widely believed in the vending machine industry that, if a shortage of snack-sized junk food were to occur, the resulting turmoil would cause bank software to reset to the year zero, effectively ending modern society as we know it. “Forget the Y2K Bug,” says industry analyst C. Frito McPherson, “the 420 Bug is a reality and it is something that the vending machine industry has fought to prevent for years. Personally, I keep a stash of premium single-serving snacks in a special shelter behind my house. Should we fail, heaven forbid, to meet the demands of the baked masses on 4/20, I’ll be ready. You should be too.”

To prevent mass panic as awareness of the potential for vending machine failure spreads, the Discovery Channel has announced that a special episode of Survivor Man will be created, in which Les Stroud will have to navigate a simulated, post-4/20 wasteland. Frito-Lay and Hostess will also be providing complementary vending machine supplement packs in high-risk areas.

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