Alleged Harris Hall Renovation Revealed to be Cover for Hoffa Search

EVANSTON—This week, an anonymous tip led to the discovery that the alleged restoration of Harris Hall, the home of the NU history department, is in reality a hunt for the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa, the long-missing President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters.

The unnamed tipster would only identify himself as a member of the Hoffa Disappearance Investigative Committee (HDIC). Despite his oath of confidentiality to the university, he was unable to keep the information from the public any longer. “People have a right to know. When we find him, the people of the university community who are bearing the brunt of the construction deserve to be able to participate, to share in the glory of solving one of the greatest mysteries of the modern age.”

Harris Hall, a historic 93-year-old structure, had purportedly been undergoing renovations beginning in February. The undertaking will continue until Fall 2010, forcing faculty and students to relocate to 1800 Sherman Avenue. The project required approval from the City of Evanston Historic Preservation Committee, who have declared the structure a landmark. When asked why the educational building was chosen as an excavation site, the source said, “It’s like something my mother used to tell me whenever I lost something: ‘Well, did you look everywhere for it?’ We realized that in this case, there was a place we hadn’t looked.” According to HDIC, Northwestern University’s Harris Hall is the only place on earth where there has not been so much as a cursory search for the leader’s remains.

When confronted about the project, site supervisor Jared O’Malley was candid about its true purpose. “We haven’t had any luck yet,” O’Malley told the media. “We’ve only found a lot of dog bones, arrowheads, remains of lost ancient civilizations… nothing useful.”

However, O’Malley remains hopeful that the excavation will unearth something historically relevant, and will be willing to continue indefinitely. “The building will be out of commission for another year or so, but the consensus is that we just need to dig deeper.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *