LANCASTER, PA—Ezekiel Lambright has found an outlet for his frustration at the complexities of modern society: the internet. A Pennsylvania Amish hog farmer, Lambright says that his desire to speak out began six months ago, when he found that his sons had been hiding their cell phone use. “I couldn’t believe my eyes! It’s like all our teachings were for naught! Jebediah and Abraham had not only been using cellular telephones, but they had run up an astronomical charge for doing something called ‘text messaging’ with the neighbor girls — almost $5! After showing them the business end of a belt, I decided that the world needed to feel my outrage for making such evils available to my children.”

Every week after finishing his morning farm duties, Lambright gets in his buggy and makes a 2-hour journey to the nearest library for internet access. “On Fridays, I’m down to 14 hours of work per day! Shameful! But my message needs to be heard.” Lambright’s blog, disciplinefirst.wordpress.com, is focused on how technology distracts people from virtue.

“People today are coddled,” posted Lambright about the automobile. “What’s the point of making a journey if you can’t feel every minute passing? Cars today have sinfully soft seats — seats like beds! Shouldn’t a mile in a vehicle leave you feeling like you carried the vehicle for a mile? It’s proper penance!” Regarding entertainment, the farmer told us that he was “aghast at the loose morals of the popular musicians that the children idolize nowadays. That Taylor Swift is a bedeviled harlot!” Since its advent, the website has received a number of comments, both positive and negative. “A flame war erupted on my post about the evils of pornography. Those weak-willed addicts will see a real flame war… on Judgment Day!”

However, no matter the reasons, the traffic received by the blog has encouraged Lambright to launch a twitter account (@bighatzeke) so he can spread his message without leaving the farm. “I’m even on facebook now! This new Blackberry lets me pwn religion n00bs from home; sometimes I can even send instant messages while I work. At this rate, I’ll have converts in no time!”