By The Lakefill Monster

Ok, so let me get this straight. There’s a luscious pool of what is clearly imported glacier water from Switzerland in the middle of campus and you’re not gonna take a dip because the school says you shouldn’t? You’re killing me. Get your youthful sense of adventure together and just seize the day! Worst case scenario – you’ll get high on life. I never let a bunch of puritans in suits push me around, and you know what it earned me? A sweet-ass trident.

Whenever I see a morsel, er, Medill co-ed walking on shore secretly yearning to feel alive, I hate The Man just as much as the next historically non-carnivorous sea creature. The water is so inviting, yet so forbidden. You wouldn’t dangle ice cream in front of a toddler, would you? This is the exact same thing, man. The exact same, and it ain’t right.

I’ve even got everything you need. Fins and mask? Check. Snorkel? A-checkaroo. Hey, do ol’ Lakefill Monster a favor and be sure to put on the pre-swim lather. It smells curiously like soy sauce, but it’s just for tasty… I mean, safety. Just start with the feet. That’s it, they all start with their tender feet.