EVANSTON—Chicago’s Carriage Dispatch announced it will raise its prices three halfcents this month in an effort to remedy its debt. The transportation company had been hoping to be included in the federal bailout package, but the stimulus moneys were instead offered to South Carolina, who requested financial assistance with building a militia.

“We overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,” explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire was the celebrated American pioneer. Many a student are finding the hike in cost inexcusable. “I smell a rat. My ma and pa don’t give me enough bank notes as it is. How is I supposed to travel now?” asked Morgan Alleghany, an English major at Northwestern.

Moreover, the CCD’s engorged carriage fare has reminded Northwestern students that they still have not been issued a UBuggy pass, which would allow them free transportation to Chicago and entrance into famous museums and theatres (set to be built soon).

“One of the main reasons we all came here was that Chicago is so close to Evanston. You can horse and buggy it to a major city in a little over a fortnight!” etched student Johnston Maplebury onto his wall. He said he believed the university should encourage its students to get out of this “ghost town only known for its varied cuisine.”

The CCD suggested Northwestern create its own line of free transportation carriages to bring students to Chicago and back. University officials said they will look into this, as well as a Pony Frostbite Express for cold winter nights.