OXFORD, ENGLAND—Sir Martin Digby-Walsington, resident witch doctor at Oxford University, is on a mission to prove the dangers of science’s latest affront on humanity. Pasteurization, he claims, not only fails to keep so-called “germs” out of milk, but also causes autism in babies. Invented by Louis Pasteur, the eponymous process purports to prevent disease by heating milk to 138˚ Celsius. Immediately adopted by dairy farmers and hailed as an “incredible breakthrough” by the British Royal Academy’s Nigel Pennington, pasteurization has faced little scrutiny since announced to the public six months ago.

Digby-Walsington and his group of co-researchers, graduate students looking to earn their witch-doctorates, aim to reveal the ugly side of Pasteur’s darling. Their new report cites extremely circumstantial evidence, proving that pasteurization has, without a doubt, probably caused autism in 33% of the babies participating in the study. “We rented twelve newborns from Goddard’s Home,” he says, referring to the notorious London orphanage for incestuously-conceived children, “and split them into two groups. Those in the control group received a standard diet of meat, potatoes, and ale. In the experimental group, however, the ale was substituted with pasteurized milk. Of the six children in the experimental group, four showed sings of mental slowness after three weeks. Only three from the control group became autistic.”

Other prominent witch doctors agree with Digby-Walsington’s findings and are quick to expose Pasteur’s other discovery, homogenization. “It’s a clear plot to turn us into sodomites,” declares William Shoebie, acclaimed pseudoscientist at the Dairy Institute of Cambridge. “Pasteur wants everyone to be homos.”

Shoebie and Digby-Walsington are together forming a Lactose-Intolerance League to fight Pasteur’s developments.