Disney Slays Mickey Mouse, Reveals Evil German Replacement
ORLANDO, FL—After announcing plans to retire its trademark cartoon, Disney unveiled yesterday its new icon, Mick Maus. A company spokesperson, Sven Britton, said the change is indicative of Disney’s shift in target audience from the family sector to surly teen-aged douchebags.
According to Britton, Maus’s newly-penned back story details his past as a juvenile delinquent. “He wears a lot of black. He blows cigarette smoke in your face just because he can. He’s generally the type of tool you take one look at and realize you should make sure he gets nowhere near your children,” he said.
Disney decided to revamp its outreach strategy after noticing how many costumed employees dressed as members of the Mickey Mouse Club got the shit beat out of them at its nation-wide theme parks.
The company decided to conduct intense, laborious studies on kids. Researchers examined many components of young people’s psychological state, from their Facebook statuses to their Twitter tweets.
“It was an interesting endeavor, targeting and stalking kids on the Internet,” said developer Marc Remlinger, who recently appeared on Dateline NBC’s program To Catch a Predator. “But what we found is that this generation of children is overwhelmingly self-centered, rude and essentially evil. For years, Disney has tried to promote the opposite values, but it became clear that we needed to adapt our methods in order to survive in this changing social climate.”
It was then that Remlinger and his team of animators created the concept of “a complete dick who adolescents can look up to as a sort of anti-hero who encompasses all that is wrong in this world,” he said.
Disney already has big plans for Maus, whose new features include a thick German accent and a more colorful vocabulary.
In a bold and creative campaign, Disney will be releasing a video game making the mascot change interactive. Coup d’Etat, which is set to be released before Christmas, will feature players controlling the new Disney icon through levels of “a horror version of ‘It’s a Small World,'” trying to find and eventually slaughter the old Mickey Mouse.
Britton added that Disney will update other classic characters like Snow White and Cinderella, though he was unable to disclose many details. “The specifics don’t really matter, so long as [the characters] become extremely slutty. Our goal is to make all our female cartoons into whores. And Donald Duck is really just a quack, we might as well eliminate him,” said Remlinger.
Said Britton: “I’d like to think our company’s founder and my personal hero, Walt Disney, would be really pleased with the direction we’re going in. His top priority was always children’s happiness, and I think we killed it… I mean, in a good way.”