Students Arrested for Vandalizing Large Rock-like Structure

EVANSTON—In a shocking turn of events, Evanston police arrested three NU students for painting a rock-like structure late Friday night.

“Those kids had a good three buckets of paint,” said police commissioner Danny Buckter. “They were slopping paint all over the place. Graffiti just can’t be tolerated on campus.”

Buckter added, “You would think that the kids at Northwestern would have their heads screwed on right. I guess the SATs don’t test you on civic responsibility!”

Mary Finkel, a Weinberg sophomore arrested for taking part in the vandalism, was utterly bewildered.

“I don’t get this,” said Finkel. “I thought that was completely allowed, I mean, there was a lot of paint on that rock before we even got there! I thought that was a thing students did here!”

Finkel was one of the three students arrested, along with Brad Harris and John Murrow while attempting to raise awareness for their fundraiser on Sunday. The three were members of the student group, GlobalReach, whose fundraiser was focused on raising money for underprivileged children in Vietnam.

“I’m glad I caught those delinquents when I did,” recalled Buckter. “Who knows what subversive, dirty things they could have written on that rock. As it’s in such a central location on campus, it’s likely that everyone would have seen it and its radical message. As a result, it’s probable that students would have gained increased awareness of the world outside of Northwestern and consequently donate the funds that normally went towards Ugg boots and Starbucks coffee to charity. The very infrastructure of the community might have collapsed — without NU students stimulating the Evanston economy, who knows what would happen?”

“I can’t believe this,” said Murrow, who recently posted bail. “Seriously, I know people who have painted that rock before. Who is this guy that arrested us? Is he new in town?”

Harris, who still hasn’t been granted his phone call at the penitentiary, agreed with Murrow.

“This is ludicrous,” said Harris. “Absolutely ludicrous.”

In the aftermath of the incident, opinions among Northwestern students were mixed.     

“That’s actually kind of funny,” said Stan Nash, a Weinberg junior. “I mean, it’s like, what the hell?”

“I think that is a terrible thing,” said Cyndy Li, a McCormick senior. “Graffiti can not and should not be tolerated on campus. Commissioner Buckter is a brave man.”

Li is a transfer student who has been attending classes for almost two days.

Morton Schapiro, also new to campus, honored Buckter in a press conference early this morning.

“I don’t see myself as a hero,” said Buckter later upon questioning. “I just call it doing my job. Someone has to put an end to teenage shenanigans, and I guess, today, that someone was me. I’m just glad that I arrived on the scene when I did. I would never have forgiven myself if that graceful monument had suffered the great degradation of one more coat of paint.”

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