Area A Cappella Group Leaves on Paralyzed Member to Gain Similarity to “Glee”

EVANSTON—James Norton woke up in the hospital Sunday morning after new group N(e)Urythmic’s Saturday night performance with two full leg casts and a throbbing headache. Nick Simons, a fellow group member, charged him with a baseball bat while he was changing out of his sequined leotard. The motive was apparently related to the wild success of Glee, the new Fox television program.

Simons said this morning that he just couldn’t stand the pressure of the Northwestern a cappella world. “Nothing was working. We tried these new costumes, more hip thrusts, more witty banter… hell, we even started incorporating underground pieces like Jason Mraz’s acoustic album and John Mayer’s material from back when he played jazzy guitar. I noticed, though, that everyone was talking about the show Glee. That’s when the idea hit me: maybe everyone loves a kid in a wheelchair.”

Heather Matthews, although disapproving of John’s method of brutality, does agree that the pressure was getting crazy. “The competition is grueling. I mean, Thunk goes to the third world every summer, Freshman 15 has that Nick Carter kid who was infamous before he even arrived here, and I hear Extreme Measures is adding another beat boxer that can even make two distinct sounds. Sometimes you just want to get an edge.”

Simons said he got the idea after Brown Sugar forced a member to get a voice-change operation and regressive hormone therapy to resemble the homosexual student on Glee and a member of Thunk reversed her nose job to resemble the lead actress of the TV program.

“The kids on Glee say their success is in their eccentricities. It’s clear, then, that what we need to do is try to be exactly like them. At NU, if we have to get major surgery to accomplish some eccentricity, we’re gonna do it,” Simons said.

Norton will be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life but his hopes for this year´s a cappella season are high.

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