Despite Troubles, Tiger Receives New Endorsement

CHICAGO—Image-conscious afternoon television host Jerry Springer formally announced Saturday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a four-year, $25 million endorsement deal, ensuring that The Jerry Springer Show will have the backing of Woods’ now-considerable white-trash marketing power for the foreseeable future.

“Let’s face it, Tiger is now the most marketable and well-liked athlete for my audience,” Springer said. “He’s someone who exhibits many of the lowlife qualities our show presents on a daily basis. It’s an honor to have Tiger on board to help promote the show.”

This is the first new endorsement deal for Woods since reports of infidelity poured out after his neighborhood car accident. Many of his previous sponsors have since relieved Woods of his spokesman duties.

“Tiger is not only the best at what he does, but he’s also able to fake a supposed professional demeanor—he’s a true swinger, and that’s what we’re looking for,” Springer added. “He has all the qualities I want people to think of when they think ‘Jerry Springer Show.'”

“Jerry Springer is a great guy to work with,” Woods told The Flipside reporters. “I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life, and this is the perfect way to do it. It’s apparent that everyone who goes on The Jerry Springer Show finds the right path. Jerry’s ‘final thoughts’ should put me back on top of the golfing world in no time.”

Springer is busy arranging a special primetime edition of the show that would feature Woods, his wife, and all of the alleged mistresses in Tiger’s life. If that is not good TV, what is? Jerry! Jerry!

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