Tiger Woods Admits to 18th Mistress, Blames Phallic Imagery of Golf

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—In a press conference today, Tiger Woods retracted his previous earth-shattering statement: “I’m human and I’m not perfect.” Woods claimed that he recently realized that these generic labels were insufficient to describe him. “I’m also a man,” he said. “And I’m a Neo-Freudian now.” The famed golfer sought psychiatric treatment when the details of his unsavory personal life came to the attention of the media. Woods believes that this decision has changed his entire perspective on his life.

“After an intense weekend of lying on the psychoanalytic couch, I’ve finally realized what the real problem is,” Woods told reporters. “Ever since I can remember, the game of golf has obsessed me. Many nights, I wake up in a hot sweat from recurring nightmares of balls, clubs, and holes. They call to me across the curvaceous hills and valleys of the green. The wind rippling through the water hazards seems to whisper one single word: ‘Gimme.’ These holes need to be filled, and I’m the only one who can do it for them.”

Woods’s therapist, the revered Dr. Ziggy Fraud, reflected that his patient’s career considerably impaired his personal life. “When Mr. Woods could golf, he could find the satiation of sublimation by sinking a putt. However, when he could not release his passion constructively, he was forced to find something else to sink, so to speak. I believe that Mr. Woods is a very selfless man. Like football players taught to tackle and basketball players indoctrinated into the worship of the hoop, Woods sacrifices the health of his sexual life to our enjoyment every day. These courageous men deserve only our tolerance and respect, as they are driven to find symbolic, existential emptiness through which to toss their balls.”

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