EVANSTON—WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.”

Rivers, like many other NU students, has been victimized by NU Emergency Notifications, an automated voice designed to help keep students aware of developing emergencies on campus. On Tuesday, the voice had apparently downed one too many shots of Smirnoff. “I got 19 phone calls, 31 texts, and 44 emails from this guy,” explained Rivers, “and the one time I picked up my phone this male voice was like ‘Yo brah, so fuckin schwasted right now. Just like anyone who gets shot by this gunman. Peace, bro.’”

Several NU students posted messages they received to the popular site “Texts From Last Night”, where the front page featured the entry, “(847) FUCK MAN still lookin 4 the gunman…goddamn I’m so high.”

At the time of the crisis, the disembodied emergency notification voice was reportedly indulging with the infamously cheerful voice of the Northwestern’s Health Service’s automated answering service. In addition to the Chicago campus shooter, several cases of rampant mononucleosis and pregnancy were also reported. The two debauched voices recruited a venerable dream team (including the voices of Morgan Freeman, Don LaFontaine, and James Earl Jones) to search for threats to campus safety. All allegations have since been refuted as mere drug-induced hallucinations.

NU Emergency Notifications probably owes its life to the final emergency message it sent to the Northwestern community before its collapse in a disreputable Chicago neighborhood: “Awwwmaan. Fuckkkk.  I thhnjima paaassss ouu–”

Though Emergency Notifications survived, the Northwestern community won’t be hearing from it for a long while… the voice accidentally butt-dialed its mother during the bender and is now grounded indefinitely.