NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy.

“I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the community.”

Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this is what they want to be doing. Back again will be exciting clips of NBA players doing what NBA players do best: dunking a small ball into a hoop, getting tattoos, and driving expensive cars around.

“Thank God I don’t have to shovel snow with inner-city school kids anymore,” said 15-time All-Star Shaquille O’Neal. “Now I can get back to what I really care about—working on my free throws.”

NBA Doesn’t Care reverts back to neglecting the communities that support the league and who look up to athletes as role models.

“Seriously, why the hell are kids looking up to me as a role model?” asked Allen Iverson.

“Why we talkin’ about charity? I’m supposed to be the franchise player and we’re talking about charity. Not a game, not a game: charity,” Iverson added.  

However, projections show that NBA Doesn’t Care will generate more money than the older program due to its other provisions, added to compensate for the loss of revenue. Capital will be raised by allowing players to donate money to see refs physically swallow their whistles and dunk them in dunk tanks. Viewers will also be allowed to place bets on various refs fighting Rasheed Wallace in boxing matches.