John Mayer’s Agents Announce Strategic Career Move To Kill Off John Mayer

LOS ANGELES—In a press conference Tuesday, the management team for 32-year-old American musician John Mayer unveiled the next step in building his popularity.

“He must die,” manager Michael McDonald told the gathering. “With John’s untimely death in the coming year, we’re confident that he will be cemented right up there with all the greats of popular music. His current fans will become superfans, and those who once found him annoying will respect him as having been ‘actually pretty talented.’ It’s simply the right thing to do.”

The move comes after a 2-year-long research initiative undertaken by Mayer’s publicity agency in New York, NY. The data released by Ken Sunshine Consultants, Inc. reveal that Mayer occupies an extremely unique window of time in his career during which his untimely death would benefit him immensely. “History really guided us during this research,” remarked project manager Lucas Spangler, “and we see it over and over. The career boost afforded to Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison and a handful of others who expired unexpectedly is unparalleled. He has given us a couple respectable albums, but still isn’t quite overexposed. John is at the perfect place in his career to be taken from us.”

The study also utilized advanced computer modeling to analyze the potential for musicians who lived past their prime. “While it is clear that Michael Jackson was still immensely popular at the time of his recent death,” continued Spangler, “Had he died right after the release of ‘Bad’ and before the weird stuff, his popularity would have been unprecedented. Also, Ringo would be much better off today had he been hit by a bus in 1970, but that’s fairly common knowledge.”

Mayer’s management team has already begun putting together his farewell tour for the coming season, with expected sold-out crowds across 30 performances. “I’m going to miss my fans, but this sudden death will secure my music and popularity for generations to come. I know it’s all for the best,” remarked Mayer in a press release. After his death, the value of souvenirs from the tour will skyrocket, and rock magazines will finally have a fresh figure to feed off of every week for the next 60 years.

Though it is not known precisely when or how Mayer will be killed off, the research panel recommended that it happen no later than age 33. “At 33 he’s still young and tolerated, but once he’s technically in his mid-30’s, he won’t be as cool.” Added Spangler, “Soon. Don’t worry.”

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