Obama to Decide Between Dredd and Fudge
WASHINGTON—As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge. Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has only recently resurfaced in the legal community. Judge Dredd is a part of the Do-It-Yourself Party and Judge Fudge is a member of the Chocolate Party. To get to know these judges a little better, I interviewed them about their stances on political issues and posted their answers below.
Enforcing the Bill of Rights
Judge Dredd: I am the law. I have the right to arrest, try and execute on site. I will enforce what I deem necessary.
Judge Fudge: I am too busy being delicious to worry about the Bill of Rights.
Judge Dredd: This can be used to prevent criminals from being born. Where I’m from, we have a criminal problem… and even criminals were once fetuses.
Judge Fudge: I’m too busy being delicious to worry about abortion, but I do love the ladies.
Torture of terrorists
Judge Dredd: I don’t need torture to get answers. I carry seven guns on me at all times. If terrorists don’t tell me what I want to know as soon as I walk into the building, I will make them talk.
Judge Fudge: I’m too busy being delicious to worry about terrorism.
Judge Dredd: I carry seven guns on me at all times, and they’re all enormous — none of those pansy handguns. When I see guns being used for purposes other than hunting and upholding the law, I will confiscate them and use them on the owner.
Judge Fudge: I’m too busy being delicious to worry about guns.
Judge Dredd: I will personally rule on anyone who burns a flag. [cracks knuckles]
Judge Fudge: I am personally against flag burning, my parents were killed at a flag burning. They melted over the fire.
Judge Dredd: As long as I get to enforce it, I’m okay with it. Judge Fudge: Why would any man want to love anybody other than a woman? Are they not busy enough being delicious?
That’s all the time I had for questions. Obama should make his pick by next month.