Team of Archaeologists to Find Rumored Einstein’s Bagels

EVANSTON—Legend tells of an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus. Every once in a while, somebody claims to have caught a glimpse of the yellow letters that make up the title, but nobody can identify its exact location. It’s as if whoever built this store never intended for it to actually get any business. After much research and deliberation, a team of archaeologists has decided to make it their mission to find it.

The legend of the Einstein Bros. Bagels has sparked a lot of controversy, confusion and passion. The people who claim to have “seen it,” are always unable to lead anybody else back to it on demand. They just get lost somewhere around Tech. Some people claim that they have actually eaten there multiple times, but there is no evidence to support these statements. One student reported that her friend set out to find it, and he never came back: “I kept telling him not to go and look for it, but he wouldn’t listen. And now he’s gone [sobs].” Another student said that it exists, but conditions just have to be right: “It’s gotta be a little rainy, and ya just gotta be feelin’ it, ya know what I mean? It’s out there, all right.” Other people argue that it’s just an urban legend. One graduate student is skeptical: “People just get carried away with stories and myths and such. If there were an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus, there would be signs around to help us find it. Duh!”

Luckily, it looks as if this cloud has a silver lining. Dr. Richard McManus, 53, a prominent archaeologist and expert on elusive modern architecture, has finished gathering some of the finest archaeologists from around the globe and prepared millions of dollars worth of equipment to embark on what he calls his “most ambitious quest yet.” McManus, the winner of the Keeler’s International Archaeological Achievement Award in 2003 and a Nobel Prize in 1998, describes his team: “They are without a doubt the most talented and wise archaeologists the world has to offer. I’m sure that they will be able to piece together all of the clues to help me find my prize. It’s sure to be one hell of a ride. I mean, Atlantis was one thing, but this is like… totally different.”

McManus and his team will set out from Tech on Wednesday, sources say. Yet many are concerned that he is making a foolish decision. Joseph Roberts, a friend of McManus, says “Richard is just so stubborn. No matter what his family and I say, he just insists on attempting the impossible.

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