EVANSTON—Winston “Chet” Moscowitz was arrested shortly past noon on Friday for riding a longboard, when campus managed to tackle and subsequently subdue him, but not before fracturing two ribs.

Police officer Daniel Lucerin commented on the incident: “When we see those kids on their skateboards, it’s not so much an issue of public safety. No, this is much more about knowing one’s place. There’s a hierarchy in place here. If chess-clubbers like Moscowitz thinks he’s cool, what next? Aspirations? Dreams? Hope? When you’ve been on the beat long enough, you come to realize what all of those point towards: false confidence, and of course, guns. Always guns.”

At this point, Officer Lucerin clubbed Moscowitz in the back of the head, possibly to make a point. Luckily, no one of actual importance was injured as the officers apprehended the technically-slower-than-walking vehicle during passing time.