EVANSTON—Many residents complain about Chicago’s winter, but last week a local student experienced an inconvenience even worse than a 2 a.m. walk to BK in lake-effect snow conditions. When Northwestern student Greg Conrad left class last Friday he discovered he had been “sexiled” out of the country.

Through some sort of miscommunication, Conrad was shipped off to Siberia, a frozen, desolate wasteland, where he survived only on his knowledge of “Man vs. Wild.”

Conrad complained, “my roommate texted me being all like ‘bro my gf’s in town, be a bro and find somewhere to chill for the weekend.’ …I’m not your goddamn bro!”

Upon his return to Northwestern’s Evanston campus (after a brief layover at the school’s Qatar location), Conrad stated, “Do you know how hard it is to make a shelter in snow? Bear Gryll’s British ass makes it look like a cakewalk.”

“The worst part is,” said Conrad, “that while I’m out here dying in this cold, arid wasteland, I know my roommate’s enjoying a hot and sweaty room. Normally I’d just crank one out and go to bed, but it’s so cold I can’t even find my goddamn dick! Fuck that guy! I swear to God, if that ‘chill’ comment was a pun, I’m gonna flip a shit.”

Conrad says he’s now waiting for his girlfriend to visit so he can “send that bitch of a roommate off to the Island of Elba.”