A New Way for Girls to “Fake It”

EVANSTON—In high school, a hickey was a mark of shame to be covered up discreetly with pounds of makeup or a well-placed scarf. In college, many young women are finding that the only way to get a guy is if he thinks you already have gotten plenty beforehand.

This shift has been a phenomenon which sociologists and playboy photographers alike have been busy investigating in great depth. “Nobody wants to be a girl’s first anymore,” said senior A.J. Thomson. “That whole virginal thing is, like, seriously messed up. If you aren’t her first, she won’t remember you, so there’s no stage-five clingage later,” Thomson added.

The age-old excuse for those mysterious Monday-morning marks was that they were the product of a wayward hair-straightener rather than the cute guy who sits behind you in math. However, in this day and age, the straightener has gone from a scapegoat to Samaritan, becoming a way for a girl to prove herself in a new community of wannabe sluts.

The burning trend is one many girls have embraced after seeing the positive results it yields. “Let’s face it,” sophomore Liz Spearson told The Flipside, “Northwestern isn’t exactly hookup central. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have the same needs as our state-school counterparts. Sometimes you just want to get a guy. By giving yourself a few hair-straightener hickeys while actually straightening your hair before going out, you increase those odds by at least 50%.” When you look at the fact that Northwestern’s population is mostly female, the impetus toward such competitive behavior becomes clear.

The process may be painful—some girls had to quit after a few months after realizing that singeing the same spot over and over will lead to very unattractive-looking marks—but results don’t lie.

“I used to hook up with guys maybe once a week, and that didn’t come without a lot of work and name-dropping about the other guys I’d been with. Now, I have my pick, and I don’t need to tell them the details of my sex life. I’ve gotten with at least seven guys since I started burning myself a few weeks ago.” Spearson added. It seems that the best way to hot action is also the most literal.

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