Apple Releases Lion, Thirty-seven Dead at Microsoft
REDMOND, WA — Microsoft Headquarters lay in ruins last week after its worker-drones, armed with forks, pens, office chairs, staplers, bulky hard-drives and the Windows 7 operating system, were no match for Apple’s new Lion, which left only death and destruction in its path after being released to maul its way through the office structure.
The release of this Lion comes as a surprise even to longtime Apple supporters. An Apple employee, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that the Lion was created after developers worked to make the original planned release, the Apple HouseCat, more “fierce and provocative.”
One of the massacre’s few survivors, Dexter Matthews, said, “We at Microsoft really did not see this assault coming. I mean, we’re still recovering from Apple’s Snow Leopard. That fucker has really messed up our customer base in Siberia.”
This is one of few open attacks in the “Cold War” between Microsoft and Apple, corporations that have been at odds for decades in an ever-escalating arms race over personal computer technology. Microsoft Secretary-General Bill Gates was unavailable for comment.
Reports show that this incident has had the most casualties since the notorious iPod-Zune Conflict of 2006, which, after weeks of intermittent violence, ended when it became clear no customer would be caught dead listening to music on a Zune.
Matthews also said, “I have always been accustomed to Apple pwning us and our shitty excuses for intuitive technology, but this was something new. Those claws, the teeth, the new Macintosh App Store? This Lion made Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia look like Puss in Boots from Shrek.”
Longtime Apple spokesman Justin Long is very pleased with the victory, but remains outraged that Microsoft still refuses to discuss plans for a resolution to the years of tension and conflict. At a press conference yesterday, Long begged Gates to surrender and end the needless bloodshed.
“Mister Gates, tear down this firewall!”