Area Man Somehow Fails to Get Laid Dressed as Bill Clinton at Halloween Party

EVANSTON—Donning a fresh new suit, an American flag pin, and a Bill Clinton mask, McCormick sophomore Shane Feinberg strolled out of Allison Hall a confident man Saturday night.  He was 0 for 13 so far in his Northwestern flirting career, but there was no doubt in his mind that Saturday would be the night a female would rendezvous with his slick Willie.

For that night he was not Shane Feinberg, the awkward Jewish kid whose greatest scores had come on calculus tests. No, for just one evening he would walk out the door as William Jefferson Clinton, the 42nd president of the United States and the ultimate player-pimp.

Shane arrived at the front door of Lambda Chi’s Halloween Dance Party with his presidential swagger on overdrive.  To say he was flying like a G6 would be a severe understatement. He was flying like Air Force One.

“I thought it was going to happen right then and there,” said Feinberg after the first girl he met that night introduced herself as Monica.  However, the girl merely smiled at him and moved on to a similarly dressed student wearing a slightly more relevant mask.

“He’s definitely still hot even though he’s old”, remarked Weinberg freshman Monica Iksniwel, “but I’m into that black guy who sits in the Oval Office now. He just gets me so horny with all his talk of change and stuff.”

Feinberg continued trying to spit presidential game but kept losing girls to the guy with the Obama mask.

“I saw this black guy on TV in Grant Park on Election Day and there were hundreds of hot girls holding his picture so I figured if I dressed up as him, I’d surely get some”, said David Palmer, a Medill sophomore.  “Boy, was I right.”

Feeling defeated towards the end of the night, Feinberg began to text his ex-girlfriend Hillary.

“He said I was the only woman he ever loved and that I melted his heart in my powder-blue blouse”, said Hillary Johnson, 19.  “I would’ve thought about taking him back, but I’m not sure how my girlfriend Nancy would’ve reacted.”

Feinberg returned to Allison Hall and was quietly playing his alto-saxophone when his roommate Al Roge walked in and said, “Is that Willie playing his victory song after a long night of debauchery?”  Feinberg frowned and said, “It depends on what your definition of is, is.”

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