EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend.

“I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.”

The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively.

“These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary of over-generalization, false reports, and the boyfriend trying to beat the living shit out of you.”

“I think the probability of that happening is pretty low, however,” he adds.

There is hope for peace of mind, as there is a five percent chance it didn’t happen. Sylvan promised to take more random samples by going out to dinner with your girlfriend and seeing where the night takes them.