Following Defeat, O’Donnell Relapses into Witchcraft, Masturbation

DOVER, DE—Following her loss to Democratic senator-elect Chris Coons in last week’s midterm elections, sources are reporting that Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell has suffered a relapse, giving in to most if not all of the behaviors she condemned during her candidacy.

“It’s heartbreaking,” stated fellow Tea Party member Rand Paul. “She’s just not the same charming woman America fell in love with; every time I see her now, she’s either hexing Democrats or masturbating furiously.”

“Curiously,” added Paul, “she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”

The issue came to a head two nights ago, when O’Donnell was arrested for vagrancy, disorderly conduct, and a charge of animal cruelty. Officers testified that O’Donnell was found wandering the streets of Dover in a drunken stupor, covered in blood and wielding a large kitchen knife.

According to a 911 call made moments earlier, O’Donnell had allegedly stumbled towards a family of raccoons, shrieking, “FUCK YOU, COONS!!” before slashing at the animals in a primal rage.

When officers arrived at the scene, O’Donnell collapsed into the arms of Detective Reid Harrison, running her fingers up and down his chest and asking if he would “like to have a ‘tea party’ with [her].”

Detective Harrison wrote in his official statement that O’Donnell appeared visibly confused as the arresting officers read O’Donnell her Miranda rights:

“We have rights?” O’Donnell inquired, before shaking her head angrily and sighing loudly. “What a fucking stupid country.”

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