Giants Win World Series, San Francisco Too Blazed to Give a Shit

SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria.

The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.”

“It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination than a burger and freedom fries,” said stoner Lance Feinbud. “Today is a very special day for us, especially here in Cali.”

After the final out, thousands of fans hung around AT&T Park appearing to be celebrating a historic victory. In reality, most of those who stayed to watch the post-game festivities were simply admiring the pretty lights that came from the camera flashes.

Newspaper reports indicated that thousands of people attended the Giants’ victory parade, but it was discovered later that most people were there for a far different reason. General Tso’s Command Center, a small restaurant in Chinatown, was holding an egg-roll giveaway in celebration of the victory. “Everyone knows that Chinese food is godly when you’re stoned,” said Marley Jackson, a local unemployed musician. “This must be how people feel when they see Jesus and stuff.”

30,000 pounds of the finest ganja was expected to be shipped in for the victory parade, but it was seized at the U.S.-Mexico border by Snoop Dogg and his entourage who were short on chronic. “I had my Tanqueray, but how could I roll down the street sipping on gin and juice without smoking Indo?” said the rapper.

No one was more apathetic about the victory than star slugger Barry Bonds, who went to bed during the seventh inning as he was scheduled to appear the next morning at the local middle school to warn young student athletes about the dangers of drug abuse.

Reports that he later smoked a joint with Ricky Williams have not been confirmed.

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