Brothel Rule to Have Little Effect on Actual Brothels
Senior Brothel Patron Rob Von Dud II
In a recent legal brouhaha, the City of Evanston decided to begin enforcing an arcane “brothel law,” with Northwestern declining to contest the law and instead just taking it without complaint. The students, on the other hand, are far from satisfied, and have decided not to take it lying down. The law, which makes it illegal for more than three unrelated people to live together, will significantly increase rates as students race to get housing. “To us, it’s a real money shot,” says sophomore Benjamin Jawitski. “I just wish they’d stop ramming it down our throats. I mean, this is a great place to live, and I love the community’s spunk, but this is nearly the 70th time we’ve had issues with them!” he continued.
Paradoxically enough, the long-ignored law will have next to no effect on existing brothels in the Evanston community. A clause to the rule, which allows related persons to live together free of limits, seems to have been the loophole that these establishments have penetrated. Most brothels, in fact, are a family business and as such contain only related persons. When The Flipside visited one such brothel, the residents were in the process of producing even more related persons, a trend which will only be exacerbated. It is thought that as few as 14 brothels will be affected in total; a mere drop in the bucket. What’s more, extrapolation of the current market indicates that the decline of house parties, brought on by larger groups living together, will in fact lead to a sharp rise in the clientele of these existing brothels. Presumably, this will lead to an influx of even more interrelated groups, creating a “snowball” effect on the market.
Although it can be far from surprising that Evanston is unwilling to help the campus, having already made such unpopular ruling as “the one which closes every store in town by 10”, this might be one scare too many. Hopefully, someone will rise and help the students get the service they so deserve, and stop lawmakers from limiting students to threesomes.
**UPDATE** Seemingly due to statements made by University President Morton Schapiro, the City of Evanston has backed down on their aggressive stance. Schapiro was last seen walking from the conference room, muttering Notorious B.I.G. lyrics under his breath.