Class of 2015 More Diverse than Humanly Possible (By Morton Shapiro)

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In the never-ending quest for more diversity, Northwestern has finally won. Pop open the Champaign, sake, unfiltered water—whatever your culture does. It’s time to fucking celebrate.

Listen to this class breakdown and try not to be over-fucking-whelmed by the diversity rainbow. 30 percent Native American, 25 percent African American, 15 percent Asian, 10 percent from countries that haven’t even formed yet.

… Let me pause to give you a second to clean off whatever you just jizzed onto your screen…

5 percent Caucasian, 3 percent South American Indians who have not yet encountered civilization, 2 percent Bora-Bora, 18 percent other.

I have no idea what we are going to do with all this diversity, but I love it.

Just think: the class of 2015 is going to make all other classes look racist by comparison. To those not in the class of 2015, you should feel as guilty as a Japanese nuclear power plant. Political ads and the Disney Channel don’t have shit over Northwestern’s diversity pita-pocket.

With great diversity comes great responsibility. Starting in 2012, we’ll be instating a rule that groups of students walking around campus can’t have more than two people of any one ethnicity. I want Northwestern to be in a constant state of admission-pamphlet-picture-readiness (APPR). If you are in a picture with at least five different races, please tag me. Maybe tag me as the sun because I’m fucking shining glorious equality on you all.

So, Northwestern, we have vanquished the invisible hand and replaced it with one of every color. You know, when you mix all the colors together, you get black—and what looks more diverse than that?

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