Birthers Apologetic and Tolerant Following Obama’s Disclosure of a Piece of Paper

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WASHINGTON, DC- Following President Barack Obama’s release of his long-form birth certificate, Birthers nation-wide were left stunned and reticent as any lingering doubts about Obama’s legitimacy as their freely-elected leader were instantly banished, and ultra-right-wing leaders urged their constituents to engage elected officials in a polite, civil manner. Even adamant Birther Donald Trump ordered his supporters to “accept that [Obama] is our rightfully elected leader, and all future disagreements must be handled through negotiation and compromise, not chaos and thinly-veiled racism.”

Most Birthers were more than happy to put aside their beliefs in the name of bipartisanship, but a few expressed persisting concerns about Obama’s eligibility to lead; all spoke on condition of anonymity, however, as they were afraid that their fringe, wildly bizarre beliefs could lead to ostracism and scorn from the rest of society.

“So, now that I’ve been shown a piece of paper, there’s no way I can doubt Obama is a true American,” one former Birther began. “But (and I only say this in the most hypothetical sense), he could still technically be an al-Qaeda sleeper agent, right?” At hearing such a fucking stupid statement leave his own lips, the Birther’s cheeks turned to a bright shade of red.

“Well, yeah, I mean, that wouldn’t make any sense, huh? I mean, he did just kill Bin Laden, huh?” the Birther laughed nervously, eager to save face.

Some radicals have continued to fight for Obama’s impeachment, despite complete condemnation by GOP leaders. But since the birth issue has been so thoroughly disproven by uncontestable methods, they have resorted to hiring former National Enquirer writers to discover new grounds for impeachable “high crimes and misdemeanors”.

“It hasn’t worked as well as we’d‘ve liked,” said Jack Boyd, who has spent the last week spearheading an anti-Obama campaign despite harsh disapproval even from Michelle Bachmann. “Even if Obama was born a bat boy, (and let me just say that we’re still waiting on proof that he wasn’t!) there’s nothing in the Constitution prohibiting a bat boy from serving as president.”

Boyd and his fellow “Batty Brigade” have announced a series of nation-wide rallies, but without a single corporate sponsor or backing party, members have resigned themselves to leafleting community colleges and conducting guest spots on radio shows in the 2 a.m. – 4 a.m. slot.

“Maybe this is hopeless,” Boyd told me sadly, after one such session. “Maybe I just have to accept that Obama isn’t Kenyan or a terrorist and that my deep-seated hatred of his Presidency may just be a fear of blacks that I’m ashamed to admit to.” Boyd glanced over at his rusted-out Buick in the driveway.

“I’m gonna need a new fuckin’ bumper.”

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