Girl Mistakenly Thinks Everyone Cares Where She Is

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EVANSTON – In one of the most severe cases of what doctors are now calling “Look-At-Me Syndrome,” or LAMS, Weinberg sophomore Catey Jepson has developed an extreme compulsion to let as many people as possible know where she is at all times. In some instances, Jepson also lets on how she feels about where she is.

“At any given time of the day, I’m certain nearly everyone is wondering where I am,” Jepson said. “I’ve made it my mission to put an end to that wondering.”

It’s this kind of delusion that is typical for LAMS victims, psychologist Dr. Rich Harwill explained. He said symptoms range from the occasional “With my gurlz at the bar! Love you bitchesss <3” Facebook status update to Jepson-level abuse of multiple social networking tools. “It’s when interfaces like Twitter are being abused that there’s real cause for concern,” Harwill said. In a typical day, Jepson sends out about 100 Twitter updates (which are linked to her Facebook) and checks-in to 10 different places for the “benefit” of millions of disinterested viewers. Jepson is also the “mayor” of several locations—a fact that literally no one but Jepson cares about. “Since its inception, Twitter has made it all too easy for self-obsessed crackpots like Catey to share their location,” Harwill said. “Also, ‘Places’ is more or less a gateway drug for self-indulgent Facebook users that are more susceptible to LAMS.” “Places” is a Facebook application that allows users to check-in to even the most random and unnecessary locations. “Places” sometimes offers rewards for checking-in to certain places, although most will agree that $10 off a pair of Gap jeans is hardly worth the acute aggravation Facebook friends feel. “Catey actually checked-in to ‘Elder Dining Hall,’” Jepson’s ex-Facebook-friend Carl Gillen said. “I punched my desk so hard after seeing that on my News Feed that I broke my hand. You have to be pretty fucking misguided to think anyone cares where you’re eating.“ Unfortunately, LAMS is growing. According to a recent study, Twitter and Facebook status updates that include the phrases “I’m at,” “chillin at,” “hit me up at” or “be here all day” have gone up 80 percent since last year. At the same time, the number of followers/friends who “care even a little” remained a constant zero percent. Luckily, though, Harwill said LAMS is a generational phenomenon; it is not hereditary, as the syndrome is based on technology use. Further, LAMS patients are “way too annoying to ever get close to having children.” “Let’s just say they won’t be checking into a serious relationship any time soon,” Harwill chuckled.

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