New Cognitive Disease Causes Millions To Use Hashtags, Annoys Billions Of Others

twitter-silence

EVANSTON – An infectious disease causing millions of people to insert pound signs followed by senseless clichés at the end of all their typed sentences is quickly becoming a global pandemic. First affecting only attention-seeking Twitter addicts, the virus has now spread to Facebook users, Google Plus members, and countless others, essentially annoying the living fuck out of anyone on Earth who has yet to catch the sickness.

“Facebook is bad enough as it is. Whiny status updates about how terrible peopleʼs lives are, re-post statuses that can apparently cure cancer, and now hashtags? Canʼt a guy just stalk girls without all that extra bullshit?,” complained Ian Yorehouse.

An advanced stage of this disease, commonly referred to as Twittourettes, is starting to affect people in our own Northwestern community.

Aaron Loud, a theatre major, is recovering from a recent bout with the crippling sickness, and says he is trying to take his recovery one day at a time. “I used to think that tweeting 40 times a day was socially acceptable #keeptellingmyselfthat, but now I see the dire implications of my actions #ihavebecomeatotaldouchebag.”

Scientists say they hope to discover a cure before the virus mutates again, possibly leaving half the earth’s population unable to use more than 140 characters per thought.

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