Sexual Assault Awareness Group Receives 300K of Federal Money—Totally Not Suspicious

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In a completely understandable move in the midst of the largest recession of the past seventy years, the US Federal Government gave $300,000 to Northwestern’s Campus Coalition on Sexual Violence.

Spokesperson for the US Department of Justice, Paul Barts, commented that the use of the funds was absolutely, totally legitimate, as politicians and governmental workers never take bribes or keep people quiet with money.

Joseph Gupta, the head of a campus group called United Conspiracy Theorists, says the money is suspicious. “Fucksaws, Sex Week, now this Federal Sexual Assault grant? This depravity all fits together.”

The Campus Coalition spokesperson, Emily Mitchell, when asked for comment, giggled and said “Whaaaat? I don’t know what money you’re talking about.”

Gupta, after considering the state of Congress, rethought the grant, “Now that you mention it, overblown spending, ridiculous specificity and obnoxious showmanship? This doesn’t seem suspicious at all.”

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