First Midterms to Be Administered on Second Day of Classes Starting Winter 2012

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EVANSTON — Northwestern announced Tuesday that professors will be encouraged to administer midterms on the second day of classes starting in the year 2012. This new policy was made in response to the claim that Northwestern students have it easy with minimal midterms and do not live up to the reputation of the quarter system.

When students voiced worries about what would be on these early exams, Professor Sarah Mangelsdorf, Dean of Weinberg, answered, “Anything anyone mentioned during Wildcat Welcome Week is fair game.”

In addition, students will be expected to know information to be studied in class that has not been taught yet. “I am so sick of students immediately zoning out when I explain what will be covered in the next few classes,” Professor Dennis Snobb of the psychology department whined.

Northwestern officials are in complete agreement that this new policy can only benefit the school and its reputation. Not only will the early exams ensure that all the Essential NUs about sex and drug use will be known by heart, it will also finally put Northwestern in first place for something — the first school to have students “stress the fuck out” in the academic school year, even despite the late start date. “The knowledge on drug use will also come in handy when students are contemplating how to tackle these midterms,” said an NU healthcare official.

While some students seem indifferent to this new system, others have not taken the news so well. McCormick student John Amsmart fears that he will get his first A- on the exam: “I mean, I can regurgitate all the Essential NU material word-for-word, but what if they test me on the social stuff of welcome week? I don’t talk to people!”

To verify the claim of indolence that sparked this new policy, The Flipside interviewed students about their midterms so far. When asked how many midterms she had taken this quarter, Amy Aejun replied, “I just took my seventh one today.”

Amy will be taking her next midterm tomorrow.

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