Congress Would Rather Sit on Their Asses

Unemployment Benefits

WASHINGTON – Congress has voted down the latest edition of President Obama’s jobs bill that would have legally required Americans to get jobs. The proposal was met with fierce opposition from Congressmen who would rather sit on their asses instead.

The vote has been interpreted by political analysts as a legislative act defending the rights of the lazy. Senators gave impassioned speeches about the freedom to “do absolutely nothing” and to “be a couch potato,” saying that Americans have a constitutional right to “bum around.”

“We cannot let this administration take away our right to be lazy! Laziness is as American as apple pie and television!” shouted enraged Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican.

When introducing the bill, President Obama said that he thought the best way to lower unemployment was to make it illegal to not have a job. However, this quickly caused dissent from Congress refusing giving up their right to lounge about anytime soon.

Some members of Congress argue that simply protecting the right of Americans to laze around is not enough, that they should get rid of work altogether. Unconfirmed sources report that Steve Jobs’ death was a Tea Party plot. “I looked up “jobs” on Google and this guy came up; he was the only thing standing in the way of me and my La-Z-Boy,” said a Republican senator, who wished to remain anonymous.

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