73% Find Sorority Preview “Terrifying”

Sorority

EVANSTON – According to a study performed by the Psychology Department at Northwestern University on Tuesday, 73% of participating freshmen were “absolutely terrified” by sorority recruitment preview.

“It’s really understandable,” Panhellenic Council President Sarah Borges commented. “Six hours of inane small talk, uncomfortable fashion, and tightly-stretched fake smiles? It’s a lot like Dante’s fourth circle of Hell.”

Following this Saturday’s six-hour marathon of lightning rounds of frivolous chitchat, outdated traditions like door chants, and judgmental looks over awkwardly eaten food at each of Northwestern’s 12 sororities, exit polls show that 68% of participating freshman girls have “lost hope that there’s any light left in the world.”

At the same time, the Psychology department found that 96% of the girls would push on to recruitment, having been successfully convinced that a hellish week of standing in the cold in painful shoes, awkwardly conversing and uncomfortably sitting in silence is a prerequisite for future happiness.

“How else do you really become sisters if you’re not forced to spend time in an fakely constructed environment and rehash the same topics you’ve talked about with seven other girls that day?” PNM—potential-new-member Judy Mantes said.

The study also found that 57% of the girls made some sort of pun on the “hell” in Pan-Hellenic during the process and that 38% found themselves at a loss when attempting to defend their decision to their non-Greek friends at some point following the Preview Day.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *