[Future Issue: 2161] Robot Jesus Reported Crucified
AUSTIN, TX – The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway.
The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied reports of his creation have been brought forth in the hours since his death. Applian Fandomentalism, a maniacal cult dedicated to the worship of Apple computing products, was the first to widely recognize Ultra Jesus 3000 as a messianic figure, reminding many of AF’s rise to notoriety in the 2050s and 60s, when followers began seeing images of their mythical lord “The Almighty Jobs” on burnt pieces of toast and consumer electronics.
App-enthusiasts believe that Ultra Jesus 3000 was the result of an immaculate installation between The Almighty Jobs and a Mechanized Android RecYcling (MARY) unit on the Apple factory production line. As proof of Ultra Jesus 3000’s messianic capabilities, they point to many supposed miracles, including the miraculous debugging of virus-infested Windows-based robots, and the stunning conversion of DRM-protected .m4p files into MP3s.
Many others, however, do not accept Ultra Jesus 3000 as a viable messiah, pointing to a possible father figure, Apple employee Joey “Saint J” Bethlehem. A recovering addict and all-around degenerate, neighbors and close acquaintances say that they “would not be surprised” if Joey had been caught having sex with factory equipment again.
Apple Computers has announced a new line of robots to be produced in Ultra Jesus 3000’s image; titled Christ the Restarter, the full-size models will be fully functioning messiah-bots preprogrammed with all of Ultra Jesus 3000’s memories, beliefs, and mannerisms. The first complete unit is expected to rise in three days.