Morty Reveals Personal Ten Year Plan
In addition to releasing the ten year plan for NU, President Schapiro also unveiled his personal plans for the next decade. His agenda is below:
2011: I’ll kick things off with a little guest appearance on the new Chet Haze track. That’s right. My bro Chester and I bout to make dem hoes WET. We call it “President Kush”
2012: I hear the world is supposed to end. I plan to remedy this by containing all of the floods and earthquakes within my pants. It’s about to get stormy in there, ladies.
2013: Win a bowl game. That’s right. His Highness Morton O. Schapiro is going to play all 22 positions and personally kick the shit out of whatever weak-ass state school dares get in my way. And unlike that pussy Dan Persa, you’ll need to take out both of my Achilles tendons to stop me.
2014: It’s too cold in Evanston. I will fix this by stopping the earth’s orbit during the summer season. It is going to be fucking Florida up in here. IF YOU CAN’T STAND THE HEAT, GET OUT DA 847.
2015: I will have the economy fixed by this year. That should be enough to get me elected king. And if not, who cares? I’ll be richer than rich. Bitches bout to be occupyin’ ME.
2016: Clone myself. And that clone is a transformer. And that transformer is the New Student Center.
2017: I will have the purple sweater vest become a mandatory part of the NU uniform. Yeah, we’re going to keep it classy. Whole campus ‘bout to be lookin’ like a casual dinner party.
2018: NU will become the #1 academic school in the nation. This will be because every student at every school above us will be murdered, in cold blood, by the Mo-Dawg himself.
2019: Northwestern University in Qatar? No. Northwestern University ON THE MOON. Yeah, you heard me. I’ll breathe enough for all of you weaklings. Plus, the low gravity would mean our basketball team would actually be able to dunk.
2020: Invent Time Machine. Repeat.