[Future Issue: 2161] Evidence of Life Discovered in Mexico

dry-desert-wasteland

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Scientists have observed the presence of single-celled organisms in Mexico, inviting speculation that the arid wasteland may have sustained life at some point in the past, and could possibly be colonized in the future.

Scientists were quick to caution against unbridled enthusiasm, noting that while thermal imaging has identified possible sources of water just under the surface, probe results have indicated that the soil is an estimated 40% benzoylmethylecgonine (cocaine) and 30% concentrated lead.

The new discovery has reinvigorated public fascination with the red-stained wasteland, the likes of which has not been seen since the science-fiction revival of the 2120s, when films such as The Sands of Mexico and The Angry Red Nation were blasted by critics for their poorly-implemented 3D effects, as well as their nonsensical stories, in which bloodthirsty “Mexicans” attempted to attack America.

Despite the influx of major discoveries over the past few years, many researchers believe that a manned mission to Mexico will remain an impossibility for the foreseeable future.

“The environment’s just too hostile,” explained EPA head Jeff Martin. “It would be a suicide mission. I know the public’s just aching to see man set foot on Mexico, but I must remind them that the last time we sent a team of researchers, in the 2070s, all five members of the crew were reported to have suffered spontaneous decapitation.”

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