[Future Issue: 2161] “Sup, Brah” Hits Theatres

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EVANSTON – After much anticipation, a new historical documentary entitled “Sup, Brah” directed by esteemed archeologist Dr. Thelonious Unk finally hit theaters last night to the delight of viewers worldwide.

The documentary premiered at Cinemark Century Theaters. This was the first movie to be played there since the great nuclear conflict of 2086. An estimated 1.5 million people attended the premiere to further learn about the once-great civilization of the “Bros”.

The film began with footage from a historical investigation that spanned multiple states on the East Coast. It wasn’t until Dr. Unk started digging in Connecticut that he found evidence that the civilization of bros was more than a myth. Tens of hundreds of feet underground, Dr. Unk’s team found what is believed to be a lacrosse stick. His studies indicate that the totem was essential to everyday life, and may have even been worshipped at an altar.

With more digging, more evidence revealed itself. Over 3 thousand pairs of Sperry topsiders were found in a single digging site. Along with that, many empty and crushed cans of what is believed to be “Natural Light” beer was found. This is said to be the drink of choice amongst bros, and was probably chugged while praying to their ever-important lacrosse sticks.

A few manuscripts were found containing the vernacular used by bros, though they have yet to be completely translated by experts across the world. One phrase that has been deciphered is “slaying bitches,” which most likely meant indulging in the act of sexual intercourse with their fellow bros; evidence suggests that the society was entirely homosexual. The word “chill” has been the most difficult word to find the meaning of due to its constant repetition in every sentence deciphered thus far.

Although there is some evidence that bros lived amongst us many moons ago, many people are still skeptical that they ever existed. One man who watched the documentary, Ted Was, said, “There’s no way they ever existed. No one would have liked them. They would have been wiped out immediately.” Local fashionista Rudy Nills agrees, saying “No way they would have made it around looking like they did. They wore backwards hats all the time, and only wore button-up shirts, or two polos with both collars popped. Do they even make polos anymore?”

Whether they ever existed or not, bros have become the laughing stock of the 22nd century, as they may have been over 100 years ago. In other news, Dr. Unk has claimed to have found remains he suspects belong to former Congressman Waka Flocka Flame.

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