White House Shooter Takes Metonymy Literally
WASHINGTON – Last Wednesday, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez fired a semiautomatic rifle at the White House, expecting to slay the building and take down the government.
“I kept hearing on the news these crazy things the White House was doing,” said Ortega-Hernandez. “Katie Couric told me that ‘The White House finally passed its healthcare overhaul.’ Brian Williams reported, ‘The White House ordered plane strikes on Libya last week.’ It’s obvious the White House is responsible for the stupid liberal agenda that’s threatening the future of our country.”
Ortega-Hernandez continued, “I felt was up to me to stop the White House. So I did. With a Romanian Cugir SA semiautomatic assault rifle. Unfortunately, the White House windows I attacked – what I believed to be the creature’s weakest points – were made of bulletproof material, and I was not successful.”
News sources other than The Flipside have reported that Ortega-Hernandez was trying to assassinate President Obama (a charge for which the 21-year-old is now in custody), but the shooter exclusively told The Flipside that this is false. “How can they think that? Obama was in Australia when I shot the White House. I’m not an idiot!”
Four days after the failed assassination attempt, a two-month-old video surface in which Ortega-Hernandez called himself “a modern Jesus.”
“At first I thought I was the Vatican,” explained Ortega-Hernandez. “But then someone corrected me and told me Jesus Christ is responsible for all the cool things the Vatican does – the Vatican itself, which is such a beautiful building, doesn’t literally do them. I am a modern Vatican. I mean, a modern Jesus.”