Iowans Quietly Go Back to Being Irrelevant

Farmer John in the onion field.

DES MOINES – At precisely 11:33 PM on January 4th, citizens across the state of Iowa unobtrusively returned to being unnecessary. This shift happened as the final votes in the Republican Caucus were tallied, and it was determined that the winner was Mitt Romney by 8 votes.

Back in the natural state they reside in between each caucus, Iowans took a collective sigh of relief as they could stop pretending to be politically conscious and stop pretending to have what is locally known as “that there fancy book-learning.”
While some enraged members of the Young Republicans club at Iowa State University took to the change violently, most adapted quickly, instantly acclimating to the dearth of national attention they’re used to.

“To be frank, it’s a relief to have it over with. Most of the time, reporters just come here if there’s a delay in the corn harvest. To have them asking me questions about foreign things like ‘Iraq’ and ‘marijuana’ was uncomfortable,” said Jolene Gbur of Altoona.

Others were upset with the disruptions in their daily lives.

“It got to the point where I picked up the paper and had to flip two or three pages to get to the Ag section. Damn shame,” Dwayne Millar of Dubuque said.

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