4000-Year-Old NU Student Found Preserved in Norris Ice Rink
EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old.
“This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved state of the body will give us a great idea of what college life was like during the dawn of man.” Tooth explained that the corpse, as with most such findings, would be named after the discoverer. “We are really excited to have Chet in our lab. He can teach us a lot of new things about ancient university students.”
Chet was found with all his clothing still preserved. He wore a shirt containing hieroglyphics which experts claim translate loosely to “Bros Before Hos”. Chet also wore a long white robe, wooden sandals, and, unsurprisingly, a North Face winter jacket.
Scientists are trying to use Chet’s body to understand the way he lived. “The key to understanding Chet,” explained Dr. Tooth, “is to figure out what he was doing when he got stuck in a blizzard. Most people I have talked to agree that he was probably on an ambrosia run to Epsilon-Vega I or headed to pick up some papyrus from VII/XI. Personally, I am not ruling out the possibility that he may have been headed to his fraternity for that year’s ‘Gone Sumerian Night’. That would explain his hurried pose.”
A hat was found next to Chet in the ice. It appears to date from the same time period, as it reads “Northwestern Basketball Big Ten Champions BC 2004”, celebrating the team’s most recent appearance in the NCAA tournament.