Crunchwrap Supreme Court Sentences Cereal Killer to Death
WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt.
Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: “Kellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently seduced her like the rest of his victims. Kellogg’s left hand is gripping a silver spoon, the weapon used to kill all of his victims.”
Barry Kellogg and the United Breakfast Foods Alliance each issued statements following the Crunchwrap Supreme Court’s judgment. Mr. Kellogg’s spokesman said, “We are extraordinarily disappointed with this outcome. As we explained in our oral arguments, Mr. Kellogg was simply trying to help Ms. Leporis through some troubled times with financial support. He was planning to give her the silver spoon that evening so she could sell it. Before he could do this, some deranged person, who has not yet been caught, tragically murdered Ms. Leporis.”
Snap C. Pop, chairman of the UBFA, said, “Although we hesitate to rejoice at the pending death of a human being, we are pleased that breakfast cereal mascots can now sleep in peace without fearing the dreaded silver spoon of Mr. Kellogg.”
The White Toll House Cookie declined to comment on the particular case; Press Secretary Jay Carneyvore stated, “Barack Obanana has no direct power over the Crunchwrap Supreme Court, and so he cannot comment on every single ruling. The President will issue statements concerning important rulings where Congress should change the existing law to counteract or adapt to a verdict, but this is not one of those cases.”
GOP candidates, however, were not so restrained on commenting on the case. Rick Peary of Texas applauded the decision. “We need more justices willing to take a hard stand on crime, more executions of perverted cereal killers like Barry Kellogg.”