Where Are They Now?: The Fucksaw

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This report continues our series “Where Are They Now?” This week’s installment was written by Northwestern’s infamous Fucksaw.

By The Fucksaw

Hey, it’s nice to see you all again. I’ve been pretty busy. In and out, you know. As I always say, when life gives you lemons, penetrate them.

I’ll be frank with you. I wasn’t that happy with how they treated me in the media, being new to Northwestern and all. It was like all these parents spending $200,000 on their children’s educations had never seen a high-powered vibrator before. I was so pissed I vibrated the sun a little to speed up molecules and whatnot, which of course caused the winter to be warmer — all just to unfreeze the ice rink. Suck it, Morty.

I’ve been poking my head here and there. I got in John Shurna’s head for the second half of the Michigan games, I had to find a new fraternity after I had to depledge Lodge, and I’ve generally been doing my usual thing with Mayor Tisdale’s logic.

I haven’t bothered helping with all the construction on campus. Sorry.

I went to Europe, rented a swank apartment, drank a lot, spoke a little bit in a different language, jerked off, and occasionally went to class. So yeah, I studied abroad.

But yeah, it’s been pretty chill, as far as fucksaws go. As I always say, rev up your engine, because you never know what you’ll be in the thick of next.