EVANSTON – Sex Week is not going as smoothly as organizers would have hoped due to an unforeseen lube shortage. The drought has the College Feminists, the group behind Sex Week, scrambling to whet the appetite of an increasingly chafed and throbbing crowd.
According to event patron Tyler Carter, “Everything was going just swimmingly until the pool of KY Jelly suddenly ran empty. But now my energy is gone and I just can’t keep my enthusiasm up for the speaker coming on stage later.”
Carter is not the only agitated and irritated member in the audience. Fellow patron Willy James adds, “This just rubs me the wrong way. Why don’t they have enough lube? They knew Sex Week was coming for multiple weeks now. They should understand that in order to sustain excitement at peak levels that facilitation of some kind is required.”
Unfortunately the Sex Week committee seems impotent and unable to perform under the rising pressure. The situation is so dire, it seems that there is no way they will be able to wrestle themselves out of this pickle.
Committee member Sarah Johnson lamented, “Lube levels have hit their lowest since NASA stole all of the Astroglide back in 1999. But NASA had a decent excuse for the theft then. They said it would help the rockets penetrate through the tougher layers of atmosphere.”
For a temporary stop gap measure, Sex Week has resorted to covertly supplying alcohol due to its propensity as a social lubricant. Johnson noted, “We hate to do anything rash, but due to the blistering pace of Sex Week we have no choice.” However, she was quick to add, “If we don’t find a permanent solution to this problem, there will be another outbreak and it just will pop up again.”
UPDATE: Reports indicate that the lube shortage has been solved due to a cash infusion from a generous donor. This much-needed aid has left everyone gushing with joy and enabled Sex Week to finish on a high note.