Golden Corral Protests Buffet Rule

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RALEIGH, NC — President Obama is making the “Buffet Rule” a large part of his reelection campaign, but this proposal has met an unexpected challenger in Golden Corral, famous for its delicious buffets.

James H. Maynard, chairman of the corporation, released a statement protesting Obama’s plan of minimum payments from those who are able to consume the most. “Obama’s Buffet Rule is nothing but discrimination. We oppose the President in his work to place an unfair burden on our heaviest citizens.”

Ted Fowler, President and CEO of Golden Corral, also commented on the rule. “It’s not fair to require businesses to charge weightier customers more. We offer one service, an all-you-can-eat buffet, and so there should be one price. It does not matter how much they are able to eat – everyone ought to pay the same thing.”

Some Golden Corral customers, on the other hand, welcomed the rule. “Look at that fatty over there,” said Robert Jennings, who was eating dinner with his family at a Golden Corral in Durham. “He’s eating just as much as me, my wife, and my three kids combined, but we paid five times as much as him! Why shouldn’t he pay more to get in here?”

The “fatty” in question, Avery Porcili, disagreed with Jennings. “Do you know what they call people like me? The ‘34%’. That’s an unfair characterization of obese Americans. It’s not right to separate us into these divisive categories.”

Porcili said there were better ways to redistribute the fat of Americans, such as encouraging healthy eating habits, where the fattest Americans would eat fruits and vegetables by their own choice, leaving richer foods for skinner people. “I don’t see why the Obama administration isn’t taking this track,” mused Porcili. “Michelle should be all over something like that.”

Fowler, meanwhile, retracted his statement upon learning that Obama is not proposing a “Buffet Rule,” but rather the “Buffett Rule,” which would tax the wealthiest Americans at a minimum of 30%.

“The rule was just about tax rates?” asked Maynard. “Well, that’s okay then. Why shouldn’t people who earn more pay more?”

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