Record Number of Students Apply to Tell Lies about Northwestern
EVANSTON – Over 500 students applied to be Northwestern Lie Tellers this year, the largest number of applicants ever. Students even lied about the name of the position they are applying for, claiming they wanted to be “Tour Guides.”
“I really love it here,” feigned one applicant, SESP sophomore Colleen Conklin, who spends most weekends passed out on the couch of the apartment she shares with an illegal number of roommates. “I want to convince prospective students this is the perfect institution for them.”
Conklin hopes to tell visitors that Northwestern’s average ACT score is 35.8, that 97% of graduates earn over a million dollars per year, and that famous alumni include both Joe Biden and Barack Obama.
Current Lie Teller Ariah Lincolnson told the crowd of high schoolers and parents following her like lemmings some of the unlikely highlights of Northwestern. “The Daily Meal recently ranked us third in the nation based on dining hall quality,” said the Communications senior in a fantastic imitation of honesty. “You should really stop by Allison while you’re here – they have delicious pasta!”
Leading the tour group past a bed of flowers, skillfully avoiding the areas torn up by construction equipment, Ariah fibbed, “The weather here isn’t as bad as some people say. This last winter the temperature rarely got below freezing. That’s very typical.”
Joseph Nesler, a senior at East High School in Topeka, Kansas, asked Ariah how much time she spends doing schoolwork. “I was surprised at how little work classes are here, and yet I’m learning more than I ever thought possible,” responded Ariah. Ariah, a theater major whose hardest class so far has been French 101, decided not to mention her roommate once studied 38 consecutive hours for an Orgo midterm.
Ariah’s strategy of pretending Northwestern isn’t a life-sucking pit of despair seems effective in convincing students to matriculate. Prospective tour guides are enthusiastic to continue this tradition.
Said Conklin, “My goal is to get a job after graduation. That’s going to be so much easier if people think Northwestern is better than it really is.”