EVANSTON – Late last Saturday night, one of the leaders of the pro-diversity student group â€śThe Collectiveâ€ť walked in on the Northwestern ski teamâ€™s â€śRacist Olympicsâ€ť party, creating what awkwardologists are calling the â€śpinnacle of human awkwardness.â€ť
Partygoers were encouraged to wear offensive racial outfits; for example, the South African team wore white t-shirts and black pants to symbolize the â€śwhite on top, black on bottomâ€ť social dynamic of the country. To say that this created an awkward moment when non-white students learned of the party is a severe understatement.
â€śIt is simply quite astounding,â€ť said Dr. David Howard, one of the top scientists and professors at Harvard Universityâ€™s Awkward Sciences Program. â€śThe awkward blast from the sudden confrontation of a diversity leader walking in on a bunch of elitist white people making fun of everything he stands for was just over 9.75 Michaelcerawatts.â€ť
In laymanâ€™s terms, a single Michaelcerawatt is a unit of extreme awkwardness. The blastâ€™s power was roughly equivalent to walking in on your parents having S&M sex in your room, while simultaneously farting really loudly in front of your crush, while accidentally going on a blind date with your ex. Also, for the purposes of the measurement, you are Michael Cera.
Witnesses say that the official confrontation was so awkward, nobody on the ski team was able to form a coherent, grumble free sentence for days. One ping pong ball that was midair actually stopped its flight path and fell straight down due to sheer embarrassment. According to Flipside sources, every single conversation in a five mile radius suddenly stopped for at least 45 seconds due to the blast.
The awkward-blast’s aftershock registered at 7.8 Michaelcerawatts when the ski team released a letter apologizing only for getting caught.