Scientists Debate Origins of Obama's Same Sex Marriage Stance
WASHINGTON – President Obama has stated that his views on same sex marriage are “evolving,” culminating in an interview where he announced his support for the practice. The scientific community has since been abuzz looking for theories as to why this transformation occurred.
The first main camp contains the gradual evolutionists. Evolutionary Biologist William Smith summarized this position, saying, “Obama has had a long political career and has gradually adapted to a changing environment via natural selection.”
He added, “Those who oppose gay marriage are starting to die out. They are being forced to migrate to rougher and rougher climates such as Bumblefuck, North Carolina. Supporting gay marriage is a critical adaptation for anyone who wants to survive in the liberal ecosystems north of the Mason Dixon line.”
Further evidence for this viewpoint is found in the fossil record. Dead politicians from the 1950s have been shown to have opposed gay marriage less than those of the 1920s, showing a gradual process of evolution and change.
On the other side of the debate are the creationists. They argue that Obama's views have not evolved at all and in fact were placed in him by a higher power. According to Chief Creationist Robert Pope, “His opinions were generated divinely by some sort of anti-God, or in layman's terms, Satan.”
Pope further posits that Obama has been under the influence of Satan for several years due to his Muslim faith and African birth. The creat
ionists also dismiss the fossil evidence as a hoax. They claim that there are several missing links and that one cannot talk about evolution until they are found. James Cardinal, assistant to the Chief Creationist, asked, “Where is the missing link? Where is the politician who supported marriage only for gay women, but not for gay men?”
Despite the opposing poles just mentioned, there has emerged a third position that Obama's opinions are a product of intelligent design. Advocates of this line of thinking argue that in an election year, Obama is being guided by some higher power or super intelligent campaign manager. Proponent Herman Jones argues “there may have been an evolution, but why has it unfolded in this manner and at this time? There must be some sort of supernatural activity or higher power in the form of gay campaign donors guiding this process.”
Although scientific consensus has not been reached, there is some alarm as to how rapidly Obama has changed his mind on the issue. Voter and amateur scientist Wayne King told The Flipside, “One minute his views were evolving and next he supports same sex marriage. Does this mean in a few years we'll see a candidate who supports polygamy?”
Phil Hands of the Wisconsin State Journal drew the political cartoon.