World Strangely Disappointed by Felix Baumgartner’s Safe Landing

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INNER CONSCIOUS, SOMEWHERE NEXT TO THE STOMACH — When Austrian Professional Skydiver Felix Baumgartner jumped off the helium balloon in an attempt to break several world records, the entire world watched carefully in a state of mixed emotions. For many, it was an experience that lead to the discovery of their own sick, terrifying minds.

When Brad, a thoroughly average human being, first came across the link on Facebook he first thought, “Oh well, just another Red Bull publicity scheme, right?” However, his mind then continued, “Wait, the potential dangers involved in a live broadcasting of this daredevil act means if something went seriously wrong I’d be able to see it. That makes the whole deal so much more… interesting.”

Brad proceeded to spend the next forty minutes in front of his laptop eagerly watching every single move Baumgartner made in secret anticipation that something could go horribly wrong.

“Maybe the pod door will open too soon and the air pressure difference will tear him apart. Or the balloon could suddenly spring a leak. Or the parachute might not work. Oh, the possibilities!” thought Brad as images of Baumgartner’s tense looking family was streamed live throughout the broadcast.

As Baumgartner safely landed in the middle of the New Mexican desert, Brad was overheard muttering “boring,” shortly followed by a look of terror as he slowly realized he had been sickeningly excited at the possibility of watching someone die a terrible death as it happened.

The moment of clarity abruptly ended when Brad thought about sex for the thirtieth time that day.

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